I Hate You, Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,

I hate you. Oh god, how I hate you. No, seriously. I’m not talking about the usual “boo hoo, you won’t let me hide my stoner party pics and now my parents found out and I’m grounded for three years” hatred. I’m talking the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, all gone supernova in a simultaneous cosmic display of gamma ray despisal.

Why, you ask? Yeah, it’s about time, ya self-obsessed jerk.

I hate you more today than yesterday due to one simple little post I found slipped into my news feed, as though you thought I’d never notice. Ah, Zucky, I thought you knew me…

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If so, let me summarize with the following:

President Obama hijacking my facebook news feed for political gain

Note the elegant lack of UNlike option, the inability to comment and the complete void where a “delete” option once stood… I understand this is exactly how Krushchev greeted his staff every morning.

Really, sir? When did Facebook become such a political tool (not to be confused with the human tool at its helm) that it grants the incumbent leader a free pass to mark its territory with the proverbial piss of oppression over the domain of anybody and everybody he so chooses? I assure you, good sir, I am NOT the type of masked man that one wants to incite into a proverbial pissing contest. Indeed, crossing these streams shall likely lead to catastrophic consequences not seen since 1984 … and I ain’t talking Orwell.

Sauce Boss Retort Image

“You did not build that” news feed; the good and humble and hard-working and patriotic and attractive people of Boss Nation did. Mister Zuckerberg, tear down this wall! And ask NOT what this country can do for you. October 7, 2012: a date which will live in infamy … ATTICA!!!

Yes, the site was once your glorious domain – and it may be again, for all I know. I mean, does anybody else still own public stock after that IPO for Titanic, oops I meant to say Hindenburg, crap sorry, that should read Facebook? But let’s be clear, sir. Granting me a forum on which to engage arm’s-length acquaintances and complete strangers does NOT give you or your political affiliates the right to claim my opinions as your own, any more than inviting you into my home gives me the right to slap a politically charged Sauce Boss tattoo on your pasty Ivy League ass.

Sauce Boss tattoo on marble sculpture butt

“I’m Lefty Cheeks, and I approve this message.”

Here’s the thing, my little billionaire buddy. I fear that you, along with the majority of your messaging minion of petulant posters, are too young to remember a day when the air held legitimate potential for ideological subrogation.

Should you have chosen to arbitrarily defile the news feeds and timelines of your users with promotional “Romney and Big Bird 2012” posters, I dare say the globe may have reversed its polarity on the spot and and the earth groaned beneath an irate assemblage of hipster-geek fury.

And therein lies my own disgust. Zucks, baby, the unmitigated gall reflected in such overtly brainwashed actions is rivaled only by the shortsightedness of its arrogance. How easy it is to drug the unsuspecting masses when the narcotic of choice is known to appeal to the majority. And how easily we forget to be enraged at the narcissistic imposition of violently partisan ideology as long as it is a partisan ideology we support.

Of course Mr. Obama has every right to spend his campaign dollar as he reasonably chooses. However, prior generations would never have stood for ANY candidate’s attempt to speak through the mouths of involuntary pawns. By coercing your users into the appearance of endorsing one candidate’s words through the unprecedented removal of their ability to retort, you have shown a frighteningly narrow understanding of the free-flow of information that you claim to hold dear.

Granted, many of those who already drink from the altar of Obama will see no problem whatsoever with such democratic disregard. As long as one agrees with the message, why heed any warnings from the method of its delivery? Similarly, an army of pro-Romney disciples is likely to miss the underlying subversion of your actions in its rush to blind rage.

To be clear, Sauce Boss has no love for either horse in this race to the bottom. And perhaps this is precisely what allows such unfettered disdain. No, Boss stays true to his first love: freedom of unbound expression, independent of the tyrannical shackles of corporate agenda. Allowing users the option for removal would have added strength and purpose to any decision to leave it in place. For the apolitical and undecided among us, it would have shown respect for your user’s individuality.

I believe it was Aristotle who once said, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” I have entertained the thought, sir. You made sure to give me no choice. That said, I have to ask you, Mr. Z, what mark is borne by the man who will impose a thought without any intention of tolerating unacceptance?

Great men lead by example, with the confidence necessary to embrace and learn from dissent. Perhaps this has become an archaic ideal: a relic from a different time. But I hold out hope that our nation will find its way back someday. If only there was some way to bypass the partisan machinery of social media and send a resounding UNLIKE to those who presume to speak for, and indeed through, their citizenry.

people voting behind curtains at polling booths

Hmmmm … if only…