Behind Every Fledgling Superhero…

Behind every fledgling superhero is a story… And cloaked in the shadows of the very best of those stories stands a veiled benefactor of sorts…

While many such mystery figures are cast in an iconic financial role, this benefactor may just as easily assume the form of a guardian or mentor, often assigned to this guise by fate itself – a tireless protector, ever-poised to swoop in and salvage the savior, while never shedding his unassuming shield of anonymity (shhh, the internet doesn’t count. Information is always safe on the internet).

History teaches us that this character is traditionally a man of engaging charm, unflappable character and graceful modesty…

Craig in white buttondown shirt with unabashedly smug grin

...a man of such effortless skill, finesse and vast ability that he poses for a dust jacket photo -- just in case he gets bored enough to write a book to put it on.

For the sake of convenience, we shall dub this stoic character, quite simply, “Craig.”

The details, of course, are sketchy… What we do know is this: when Craig first pulled Boss from the smoldering wreckage of his former life, an immutable bond was formed – this, despite the fact that there was precious little humanity left in Boss to distinguish him from the inky,Boss Was Here graffiti amorphous black of his past…

Boss was mangled, as though stripped of his very soul and robbed of his identity…fragmented in spirit…left for dead, with an unyielding hunger where a human heart once beat…a perpetual hunger for new culinary experiences. Oh, and revenge too…but mostly just hungry for new culinary experiences.

At the very threshold of death and in dire need of a personality transfusion,  Boss was clearly running out of time. While comforting an orphaned tiger cub in one hand, and still restraining a notorious purse-snatcher with the other, Craig ponied up with a slight donation…only slight, mind you – and only the good parts…

Inga from Young Frankenstein Schwanzstucker

VOOF!!

In a crucible of righteous indignation, Craig set to work – forging a mask of pure testosterone and raw charisma…and probably some type of metal in there too… Shiny.

Upon adorning Boss with a sparkling new facade, the machinations of an epic recovery process roared to life. Craig, the dashing mentor conglomerate of every 1980’s montage to escape pop culture obscurity*, tirelessly guided our hero from a 98-pound LaRusso to a Heayweight ass-whoopin’ machine.

Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed hugging in the surf on the beach montage

*EXCEPT for the disquieting homo-erotic, "man-hug on the beach," Rocky III moment…Totally different guys there….not that there's anything wrong with that.

Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed hugging in the surf on the beach montage

Awww, look at them…they're like adorable little BFFs with way too much testosterone (and an uncontrolled momentary surge in estrogen)

Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed hugging in the surf on the beach montage

*Ahem* Ok...alright…break it up, fellas…

Better, Stronger, Faster, and now with 37% more obscure pop culture references (and bionic sound effects – come on, raise your hand if you’ve never run in slow-motion while murmuring “duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh”… I guarantee nobody with their hand raised pees standing up), The Sauce Boss now stands as a beacon of hope for all of us who still believe in a brave new culinary world – a world wherein playing with one’s food is to be mightily encouraged and tradition is to be revered, but not inflexible… Yet, he also serves as a shadow warrior, striking terror into the very hearths (sorry, sorry… last one, swear) of all who serve the stodgy conservative machine by standing in the way of gastronomic progress or otherwise bleeding the inherent joy out of the cooking experience…

Boss also considers himself something of a highly-trained ninja thief, a phantom skill set to which he credits his masterful pirating of the following bio off Craig’s desk…not that Craig really safeguards his desk, but Boss looked so proud of himself that we really didn’t have the heart to say anything…

That said…

Brief biography of Craig on old parchment background with photo

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11 thoughts on “Behind Every Fledgling Superhero…

    • Haha I think you just made my day 🙂 Of course, I’d like to thank the academy…and donate my entire cash prize to myself.

      So glad you like how it turned out. You’re going to have some spoiled party-goers on your hands 😉

    • I thought I replied to this yesterday! Dang WordPress. Thanks so much for stopping by and I can’t wait for the next #HGEATS! Just be sure to keep the foodie and drinkie Goddesses plentiful 🙂

  1. I don’t know why, but I just got around to reading this page.

    A. You are damn cute. Like, cuter than cute.
    B. My Brother-in-law, one of the best men I know, lives with me. He is, what many would call, an adult with developmental disabilities. And he is amazing. His name is Craig. And he is, indeed, a super hero. It must be the name.
    3. You’re wearing a Yankees hat. I approve.

    • Oddly, *I* just got around to reading this comment and
      A. I approve of your taste in men
      B. Craig (yours, not mine…that would just be weird) and I should totally hang out. He sounds like a rockstar.
      3. Did you really make a three point list denoting A, B, and 3? 🙂 Who are you, Clark Griswold??? 😉
      D. Thank you for the sweet words. I was a late bloomer. Fortunately, my arch-nemeses are ass-ugly, inside and out, so I can always smugly lord that over them for all time.
      28. GO YANKEES!!

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